From The Desk Of Gary B. Bettman…
To: Dan Gilbert
Dearest Dan Gilbert,
I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.
After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.
You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.
I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg. I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.
I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.
With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.
Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:
- Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
- You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
- As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…
- Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
- Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
- The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.
- You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…
I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP
You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.
So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?
Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.
Gary B. Bettman
Commissioner, National Hockey League
P.S. In your letter you wrote:
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.
This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me: 1-800-GARY-BETTS.