Hey, It’s All Good!

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!


But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.


While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.


Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Serious Thoughts

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