Quick Playoff Predicitions

Posted on May 22, 2015 By

Quick playoff prediction post before I go back to reading the thoughts of 68% of our population who think it’s a good idea to take civil liberties away and/or feel that “saving” women from “oppression” by mandating what they cannot wear is not the least bit hypocritical. On the bright side, the poll was at 76% “yes” on Monday so at least SOME sanity is being restored. //end rant

Here is my playoff bracket (I’d be shocked if I’m wrong because these things are never wrong):

West:

1st Round:

Vancouver over Chicago in 7
San Jose over LA in 6
Phoenix over Detroit in 6
Nashville over Anaheim in 5

I’m stoked to see the ‘Nucks/’Hawks again. If I were Quenneville, I’d call up Kyle Beach and have him do his best Dustin Byfuglien impression in front of Luongo. Hard to go against Vancouver, though, especially since Chicago couldn’t even close when they had to.

I like Phoenix over Detroit as the upset pick in the West. I’m sure I’ll get some hate on this from a certain faithful reader!

2nd Round:

Vancouver over Phoenix is 6
Nashville over San Jose in 7

West Final:

Nashville over Vancouver in 6

East

1st Round

Washington over Rangers in 5
Philadelphia over Buffalo in 6
Boston over Montreal in 7
Pittsburgh over Tampa in 5

Not sure I like the fact I’ve picked the top 4 seeds to advance. Buffalo beating Philly seems to be the trendy pick — at least I think it’s the trendy pick from what I could gather — and those hardly ever pan out.

2nd Round:

Washington over Pittsburgh in 6
Philadelphia over Boston in 7

East Final:

Washington over Philly in 6

Stanley Cup

Washington over Nashville in 7

The old adage that a team has to go through tribulations and take their bumps before they can emerge as champion certainly rings true with the Caps right now. So there you have it. Bet the house on the Caps!*

*Don’t really.

Miscellaneous


If You Write It, They Will Comment… And Laughs Will Be Had By All

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

In this series, Blades of Funny scours the internet and finds memorable comments left under hockey-related stories. You may laugh, you may cry, you may block this site on your browser so you never have to read this drivel again, but one thing is certain: you will not become any smarter by reading this post.

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The Article: The Vancouver Canucks are playing one of those so-called “meaningless” games on Saturday, wrapping up the NHL regular season with a home contest against the Calgary Flames.

The Comment by Sheriff Woody: Ask the Leafs for some pointers…82 meaningless games this year….

BoF: ZING!

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The Article: Ladies and gentleman, let’s hear it for country-western recording artist Theoren Fleury. For the past few months, the former NHL star has been honing his vocal chords at Calgary-based studio Pyramid Productions.

The Comment by edhull: Is he drunk?

BoF: Nope, just broke.

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The Article: Six players from Slovenia’s league champion, Acroni Jesenice, have been booted from the team after beating up their head coach in drunken post-game celebration. The six then turned on the coach, reportedly beating him with wooden traffic signs that they found by the side of the road.

The Comment by President Camacho: The coach tried yelling “Stop!”, but the team just assumed he wanted them to beat him with a specific sign.

BoF: ZING!

——————————————-

The Article: Iginla has made it clear he wants to be part of the solution. But public debate still rages over whether Thursday’s tilt was the final act at home for the face of the franchise.

The Comment by Anonymous: Iggy goes I go. and I am a hard core flames fan. dont let it come down to that

BoF: Darryl, is that you? Yeah, I bet it’s you.

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The Article: TWO WEEKS AGO, they [Flyers] were the team everybody wanted to play in the playoffs. The feeling is slightly different now. They have won two games in a row entering their critical final weekend, with two games against the Rangers, and have played a more inspired brand of hockey over their last five. “Now if we play this way,” Danny Briere was saying after practice yesterday, “I don’t think a lot of teams want to play us. We’ve said it all along. We’re built as a playoff team. We’re warriors.”

The Comment by noslok: Ha ha ha! “I don’t think a lot of teams want to play us.”? Are you kidding? Well, here’s an engraved invitation from Washington: Please, oh please, can we PLEASE play the Flyers in the first round? ROTFL!!!

BoF: You hear that, Briere? It’s not just an invitation, but an ENGRAVED invitation. Those take time and effort to create.

——————————————-

The Article: Sami Salo showed up Friday for the Vancouver Canucks team photo, and left on the injury list. It sounds like a cruel joke. Instead, it’s a cruel reality for the Canucks.

The Comment by anonymous: The Vancouver Canucks are like a disappointing wife that keeps on forgetting your birthday every year!

BoF: //double take… What? I’m thinking this poor guy needs to sit his wife down and talk it out, instead of getting his feelings out by leaving random metaphors on the internet.

——————————————-

The Article: A list of the 2009-10 Masterton nominees

The Comment by Jasper the Black Lab: What does Chris Drury persevere through? Can’t he hire a lackey to carry his obscenely large paycheques?

BoF: Nope, the lackey is currently on an exclusive contract working for Wade Redden.

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This concludes the festivities for this post. Please take the time to follow Blades of Funny on twitter. If you do not, then the next time you hail a cab, Patrick Kane will rush up and ask if you want to split the fare with him. It’s your call, my friend.

Comments


If You Write It, They Will Comment… And Laughs Will Be Had By All

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

In this series, Blades of Funny scours the internet and finds memorable comments left under hockey-related stories. You may laugh, you may cry, you may block this site on your browser so you never have to read this drivel again, but one thing is certain: you will not become any smarter by reading this post.

——————————————-

The Article: Deadspin shares this story by the National Postwhich examines the unlikely trend of hockey jerseys being popular among youth in Africa. A snippet from the Post’s article:

The phrase “Dead White Man Clothes” is a common term in Uganda’s marketplace. In Ghana, (where I spotted a Winnipeg Jets jersey in 2005) the phrase in local Twi is “obruni we wo.” Translation: “a white man has died.”

After all, why else would anyone give up these perfectly good clothes?

The Comment by Hit Bull Win Streak:

“Dead White Man’s Clothes

And here I thought I was the only one still rocking the John Kordic Nordiques jersey

BoF: Well played.

——————————————-

The Article: Down Goes Brown gets Flyers fans worked up with his post on Carcillo ( which includes a joke about Carcillo’s mustache), leading a Flyers fan to reply in anger:

You’re 30 and can’t grow facial hair ( it’s a throw back stache to honor the bullies) dumb ass

Which sets up…

The Comment by bleedblueandwhite:

Carcillo growing the ‘stache to honor the bullies is like playing Nickleback at a Rolling Stones tribute. if you’re gonna honor someone, don’t suck at it

BoF: A comment that slams both Carcillo and Nickelback? That deserves enshrinement into the internet hall of fame, my friends.

——————————————-

The Article: Taking a look at how Crosby is being received in Montreal: A restaurant on St-Denis Street laid out a white No. 87 Crosby jersey over a red carpet on the sidewalk, so that patrons could stomp on it.

The Comment by John David:

His Jersey should be stomped on.

What has Crosby done for Canada?

He went to the USA because they were the highest bidder and offered him the biggest pot of money.

He is a disgrace to Canada…why isn’t he playing for Montreal? Because MONEY got in the way and he was offered a bigger cheque in the USA.

BoF: This guy NEEDS to be featured on HNIC’s iDesk like RIGHT NOW. I can’t even imagine what Cherry’s reaction would be, but I bet it would be epic. Then again, Cherry may very well side with this theory, which…wouldn’t be as epic.

——————————————-

The Article: Grey whale makes rare appearance in Vancouver’s False Creek

The Comment by anonymous (here):

Breaking News:

Unconfirmed reports that the whale swimming around in False Creek today was actually Dustin Byfuglien.

BoF: Zing!

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The Article: Both MSNBC and NBC Chicago got suckered in by an obviously fake story about members of the Canucks being fined for planning a pizzeria crawl of Chicago’s deep dish establishments, and reported it as fact.

The Comment by Steve U:

3 Dead, 13 Injured as Mafia War Intensifies – Crime, B7

Record Pumpkin Crop Reported in Farmville, KS – U.S., C4

BoF: Well played.

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The Article: Cult of Hockey shares an excerpt from a Blades of Funny post.

The Comment by bill:

not really amusing. not that im not game for ripping on souray

BoF: Can’t really argue with the ‘not really amusing’ part, but has Bill ever wondered how his comments affect other people? Some people may have feelings which are even more sensitive than Sheldon Souray’s and reading stuff like this really cuts right to the soul…sniff…I think next time…sniff sniff…Bill should think twice before leaving…sniff…his malicious comments…sniff sniff…It’s Edmontonians like him…sniff…that give the city a bad reputation…sniff…

Comments


Making Babies With Other Hockey Blogs

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

No intro to this today. Instead, get ready to laugh your butt off at my expense…

–Rink Side Rants – You know what’s really hard? Talking on the radio. I kid you not, I shall never ever in my life make fun of anybody who says something dumb on the radio.

If you’re curious as to why I’m making such a proclamation, this link will take you to my podcasting debut and let me tell you, it’s just one big pile of awkwardness. A grown man in his 30′s should never use the words “like” and “and that” and “right?” back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back in every sentence. But that’s one of the side effects when you ramble on in order to stall for time because you’re nervous and your mind is a blank. Surprisingly, a panic attack is not conducive to articulating things and getting your thoughts in order.

It was a blur, man. I refuse to listen to the first 10 minutes of the show as I think I broke down laughing at one point and frankly, I don’t want to relive that again!

In my defense, it was my first time and two things really threw me off at first: 1) talking into dead air felt really weird, and 2) unlike a real life conversation dynamic, you have to stop talking for a couple seconds so the others now you’re done before they jump in. This is something brand new to me as I’m used to my wife jumping in and cutting me off before I can finish any point I’m trying to make. Now I know why she does it! This would also explain why at the beginning I rambled on and on about Kovalchuk, repeating the same point, and from god-know-where came up with a $150m contract offer. Lol! But yeah, I think I settled in as the show progressed (right? right? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST AGREE!!!). I’m pretty sure if I do 25 more shows like this, I won’t sound like I*just* escaped from a mental hospital. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, thanks to Tim from Sabres Noise and Frank from The Rat Trick for having me. If I did one thing for their show, it’s that I made them sound like seasoned pros!

–Funny story about the podcast:

I told my wife about it earlier in the week and didn’t make it seem like a big deal. Y’know, being the pro that I am.

After the show was over, I went upstairs and she asked me how it went. I just looked at her and broke down laughing. Then she started laughing. We both laughed for like a good hour.

–If you’re laughing right now, you’re a jerk!

–Puck Daddy – This piece started a huge debate about bloggers getting accreditation. I actually prefer if the bloggers I follow are independent and 100% free to express their opinions without any accountability to the entity which they are talking about. That’s the biggest thing which differentiates blogs from the rest of the mainstream media, in my opinion.

Now, don’t take that to mean that I think bloggers don’t have accountability because they do. Their readers hold them accountable and the ones who go off the deep end are quickly weeded out (like for example:  if some jackass blogger does a podcast and sounds like an idiot, you’d never read his blog again, right?).

–Whatever your opinion on this topic, you’ve got to really admire someone like Greg Wyshynski (Puck Daddy), who straddles the blogger/mainstream line while being respected by both sides and maintaining his edge, humor and unbridled opinion. That’s a hard thing to pull off. It’s even harder to pull off when you’re a blogger in a bubble covering a specific team.

–Cowhide and Rubber – Kyle also wrote a great piece on the old media vs. new media thing. The canned quotes you get from players before and after the game don’t really add much to the conversation, yet they’re probably the biggest thing that old media has over new media (the ability to get them first). In reality, 95% of the time those quotes don’t matter. What matters is a writer’s opinion and unique insight, which many times an accredited member of the media may possess but, for one reason or another, can’t share.

–You’re still laughing at the podcast? YOU BASTARD!

–The Rat Trick – The Florida Panthers are going with a “party” theme this season; complete with a party supply company sponsorship, which is the reason for this festive decor in the arena:

Clearly, this was inspired by decorations used for the school dance I attended when I was in the 8th grade. Ah yes, that fateful 8th grade dance. To think the podcast almost dethroned it as my life’s most awkward moment. Almost, but not quite.

–Stay Classy – Kevin looks at some of the significant points of the RDO Camp held last week and how they pertain to the prospects who where used as guinea pigs. An excerpt…

The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.

–Down Goes Brown – DGB has a behind-the-scenes look at Brian Burke’s day as he tries to move Kaberele before his NTC kicks in. An excerpt…

5:25 p.m. – The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn’t the time for a youth movement.

–Intent To Blow – Kovy signs, Devils submit same contract with birth certificate claiming he is 4 years younger. I can see this actually happening in the KHL.

–Discard What You Don’t Need –  Jason takes a look at EA Sport’s NHL 11 demo, complete with funny commentary.

–I’m just rattling these off in rapid-fire style so I can go find a cave and just chill while your laughter subsides. YOU BASTARD!

–Habs Laughs – They found Pierre Gauthier’s Blackberry and are now posting excerpts of what’s on it. Like this one, which features Pierre informing Sergei Kostitsyn he’s been traded…

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Good news Sergei! We’re trading you!

Text from: 514-747-7474- Sergei K
Da?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Yes! I e-mailed like 50 teams and I managed to squeeze Dustin Boyd an

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
What?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
D Dan Ellis from Nashville! You’re heading to Nashville!

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
That first one wasn’t finished did you get the second one?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Ver is Nahville?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Why are you texting with an accent?

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
I trade? Yes?

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
YES! To Nashville. For Dustin Boyd and Dan Ellis.

Text from 514-174-7474- Sergei K
Dey not superstars. I worth more. You lose.

Text to 514-174-7474- Sergei K
No Sergei…I win.

Okay, that’s all for today! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter. Oh, and if any of you know someone who specializes in hacking online radio companies and erasing podcasts, I may be interested in speaking to such a person. Have a good weekend.  I’m off to enroll in broadcasting school.

Just a heads up: this post is set to auto-publish on Friday morning as I’m off on a weekend trip with the family (broadcasting classes don’t start until Monday). Thus, don’t think I’m ignoring you in the comments. I’ll be back Sunday night to check in.

Links


Hey, It’s All Good!

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

While it may not have been the strongest UFA class ever, there’s no shame in modeling your spending habits based on what you see in hip hop videos. Like the newest rapper on the scene, you NEEDED some big-ass bling and some flashy 22′s 24′s 38′s.

Who cares if you overspent as long as the “hoes” in your stable look nice and willing. And let me tell you, Christian Ehrhoff is one sexy German. Sure, he may not look as nice after 10 years of marriage, but the upcoming 3-month honeymoon period is going to be sweet. You’ll always have July to September 2011 to look back to during the bad times. The many, many bad times which await.

Hey, it’s all good, Terry Pegula! You’re worth billions!

 

But the King of Bling title surely belongs to another gentleman. One who made it rain on free agents like no one has ever witnessed before. Nothing could stop this man’s made-for-MTV spending spree.

One of the worst contracts in hockey? I’ll take him!

A forward who couldn’t hack it with the Leafs? Versteeg’s our guy!

Blood clots? Bah, give him 4.5!

An aging 35-year-old defenseman with a vast injury history? Lock him up for 4 years at over 4 million per!

He doubled his previous career-high? I want him!

Oh, his career-high prior to last year was only 21 points? Don’t matter, we already signed him.

Surely, not Bergenheim? Oh, hell yeah Bergenheim! Why keep guys like Grabner or Bergfors around on the cheap when I could spend on B-E-R-G-E-N-H-E-I-M.

What about our goalie, sir? We don’t need one of the best, we’ll go with Theordore and Clemmensen and spend our money on the rest.

Hey, it’s all good, Dale Tallon! At least in your old age you’ll have some familiar faces around to comfort you.

sherman

While Mr. Tallon had the quantity, it took a “special” person to be able to achieve what he did in one quick flash. And it was done by you. You took it upon yourself and decided to anoint this defenseman The Chosen One. The man who would save your team’s atrocious power play and, in turn, your job.

You opened up the Scrooge McDuck vault and let this 27-year-old stud dive into your golden money pit for 6 years. After all, you had extra cash lying around after buying out that overpriced defenseman Commodore. Sheesh, what a bad investment that guy turned out to be, eh? But this new piece is different. He’s an offensive dynamo. A 50+ point getter… last season… the only season… where he played on two teams… three since 2010.

Bah, they don’t know what you know. They aren’t… Columbus.

Hey, it’s all good, Scott Howson. I hear Wiz sucks a mean…
scott-howson

Which brings me to the Mike Milbury Achievement In Trading Excellence Award winner.

You were the shrewd cat who not only possibly cemented your goaltending situation for upcoming season  — and I use the word “possibly” only because I’m not quite sure if Giguere’s health will hold up — but you’re also well on your way to kicking that pesky gambling high addiction you developed after attending this April’s draft lottery.

Oh, and you also got this Semyon Varlamov kid who, depending on who you ask, was either second or third on the Capitals’ goalie depth chart. Best thing about him, however, is he signed a two-year contract so he won’t skip out to the KHL like many feared. At least not for the next two years. Maybe. Never know with these Russians, they live by their own rules. They’re like the Clint Eastwoods of the league, doing as they please, not giving a damn. Gotta admire that. Unless you’re a GM and you just traded a bet your ass it will be how the f*ck could it not be, look at your team! potential top 5 pick for one. Umm, yeah.

Wait, just read that Joe Sakic called him “an elite goaltender.”  Can’t argue with Joe.

So you got “an elite goaltender” and all you gave up was a nobody in their right mind would be dumb enough to trade potential top 5 pick.

Shrewd.

Hey, it’s all good, Shermanator! Even when it really, really is not.

Serious Thoughts


Genetically Altered Fruits and Hockey Fandom

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

You know who’s really interested in listening to you talk about your fantasy hockey team and how it finished? Your Grandmother. That’s it. And only if she lives by herself. And only if she lives by herself AND hasn’t had contact with anyone for over a week because her neighbour slash best friend, Mabel in the apartment across the hall, is currently mad at her because she recently remembered that the Bing Crosby LP she lent your Grandmother back in 1956 was never returned. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, then by all means, talk about your epic fantasy hockey finish. Otherwise…

Let’s get on to something much more important: My thoughts on genetically altered fruit.

There are some fruits that absolutely must be seedless. Like grapes, for example. Anytime I bite into a grape and it surprises me with that bitter seed taste, well, I get so mad that I want to start a fight with Dan Bylsma. So seedless grapes rule. No question about it.

Watermelons, on the other hand, I’m not so sure about. First off, there was nothing wrong with strong black seeds in the watermelons we ate as kids. After we smartened up and chose not to believe that prank our parents played on us by saying the seeds will sprout real watermelons in our belly if we swallow them, we had no problem digesting them.

But now? They say our watermelons are seedless, but then I always find seeds. Weak, white seeds that look like they have AIDS. I don’t know about you but I’m terrified of swallowing one and testing HIV positive because of it. So seedless watermelons suck. No question about it.

Which brings me to lemons. WHY HAVE THEY NOT CREATED SEEDLESS LEMONS??? I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve had to add the juice of a lemon to something and end up standing there with a teaspoon in my hand, fishing out the seeds which accidentally — ON PURPOSE, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING! –  fell in, like I’m some 1920′s  housewife whose husband is going to beat her if he finds a lemon seed in his tea.

So if anyone reading this has an invite to the Bilderberg Conference this year, please make seedless lemons happen. Thanks.

Which brings me to the topic of team fandom. Jeff Marek talked about this a few weeks back on theMarek vs. Wyshynski and it stuck a chord with me. Basically, at some point in my life I became a fan of the game more so than a fan of any specific team.

I grew up an LA Kings fan and cried like a little wuss when I was 14 and they lost to the Habs in the Finals.

Then February 27th, 1996 happened and Wayne Gretzky was traded to the Blues. And I began to drift away from being invested greatly in one team and started to not really care anymore about who wins or loses.

I still have a special place in my heart for the Kings but it’s nowhere close to the fandom displayed by most. The only time I really care about a result is if I have money on it. In fact, the last sporting event which I had any sort of emotional interest in (without gambling) was the 2001 NBA Finals. Why you ask? Because Allen Iverson was and always will be my favorite basketball player.

So a decade has passed since the last time I gave a damn. And longer than that if we’re talking about hockey. In the meantime, with Twitter and the internet, I get exposed to a huge number die-hard fans (even fair weather ones) who live and die with their teams. I’m kind of jealous because I can’t feel that rush.

Which brings me to the question: Are there many of us out there? Ones who love the sport but don’t necessarily care about who wins or loses? And if you are one of these people, what made you change from being a fan of a team to being just a fan of the game? I most curious to hear at what age that change occurred at.

That’s all for today. Hey, 3 posts in under a month! Not bad, huh?

Serious Thoughts


From The Mind Of Vladimir Sharapov

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

HELLO BLADES OF FUNNY READER.

I want to thank BLADES OF FUNNY for giving me voice in internet to teach PUBLIC PEOPLE about sport of hockey.

Before I continue with point of letter I tell you about VLADIMIR more. I work job as baseball scout in Russia and I know athletics good. I watch and play sport of HOCKEY since I five years old. I KNOW the fine things about sport so you in good hands with VLADIMIR.

Now I speak about subject and teach you about best performers who play SPORT OF HOCKEY. My list good because I am sport scout so I know what make good athletic performance.

I share list of mine that tell public about best hockey players in world. READ LIST NOW:

  1. ALEXANDER OVECHKIN – number one hockey performer in world. TOTAL PACKAGE. Speed of cheetah, shoot like bullet, pass of tiger, score vision of army general, physical power of black bear, balance of mountain goat, skating like PLUSHENKO.. If you doubt Russia produce good athletics, you look at ALEXANDER OVECHKIN NOW.
  2. ALEXI MOROZOV – Alexi older now but in prime he greatest hockey performer since Valery Kharlamov. If he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 plus point every year. Guarantee.
  3. EVGENI MALKIN – Superstar performer who champion of Stanley and MVP. Big man who have good eye and big body. Without MVP MALKIN Pittsburgh not win Cup of Stanley.
  4. PAVEL DATSYUK – CUP OF STANLEY CHAMPION. Good Russian man who dangle like dangle is dangled by top performer. Detroit not win Cup of Stanley without Datsyuk starring.
  5. ILYA KOVALCHUK – speed of pergrine falcon and good score vision. He Cup of Stanley champion if good team he have to carry. Atlanta joke. News in my village last week say HE PLAY in DEVIL system now. Good.
  6. SERGEI MOZYAKIN – superstar performer for Atlant Moscow Oblast who lead KHL in points score now. If he play NORTH AMERICA Sergei score 100 point every year. Guarantee.
  7. NICKLAS BACKSTROM – he good young boy who help OVECHKIN score. Best ice see vision of any performer not born in Russia. He good young boy.
  8. SIDNEY CROSBY – he okay player for Canadian but he not measure up to Russian athletic standards. He good help for MALKIN. How you say, he starsky to MALKIN hutch. CROSBY good but People of Canada make too much praise for him because they not see Russian perform much. For Canadian he good.
  9. PHIL KESSEL – even though he American KESSEL play like Russian star. Speed of cheetah and score like sniper. He not like to pass much but in Russia we not look down on no pass because score is more important. If he play on team with good Russian he could be champion with Cup of Stanley. Toronto joke.
  10. ALEXEI YASHIN – he old now (37) but he still do good in KHL for SKA Saint Petersburg. #3 scorer in last year in league. That tell you what good athletics ALEXI have and if he play in NORTH AMERICA Alexi score 100 points. Guarantee.

So people in internet YOU SEE NOW HOW GOOD RUSSIA HOCKEY PERFORMERS IS. In list of 10 BEST hockey performers SEVEN born in Russia.

Let me tell you it not FLUKE. Russian men is powerful men, no girly men like performers from SWEDEN OR CANADA OR FINLAND. RUSSIA = GOOD MANLY JEANS.

PLUS we have good player even not on list like ALEXANDER SEMIN. He best friend of OVECHKIN and good at get goal but he need to eat more meat because he fragile. Man from Russia not fragile so he not make the list but he still good performer.

We have good goalie too. ILYA BRYZGALOV best goalie in WORLD NOW. EVGENI NABOKOV good goalie too. TOP THREE IN WORLD. But I tell you truth. I not like him much. He spend too much time in CALIFORNIA BEACHES and not play hockey like Russian. IF HE NOT CALIFORNIA DREAMING RUSSIA WIN GOLD MEDAL.

I hope PEOPLE WHO READ INTERNET learn from my words about HOCKEY. I leave now to scout baseball but I WILL SHARE WISDOM AGAIN.

BYE BYE FOR NOW PEOPLE IN INTERNET.

Владимир Шарáпов

vladimir-sharapov


Top Secret Document: Brian Burke’s Year-End State Of The Union Address To Maple Leafs Nation

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

With the regular season near its end, the NHL community is on pins and needles eagerly awaiting the start of the playoffs Brian Burke’s state of the union address to Leafs Nation.

This annual press conference has already surpassed Easter as the most anticipated April tradition in Toronto and we can only imagine it will become even grander in scale over the next decade.

Through some janitorial sources working deep inside the bowels of MLSE, we here at Blades of Funny have managed to get our hands on a rough first-draft of Burke’s speech.

Keep in mind that this is a very raw copy that has yet to be revised by a group lawyers sitting in front of Harold Ballard’s tomb. (Just saying that things may be changed around by the time Burkie takes the podium).

For the sake of everyone involved — we don’t want to see anyone lose their job over this — please keep this on the down low.

Dear Maple Leafs Nation,

Before I start I want it to be perfectly clear that what I am about to say is to the fans and not to the media. I do not care one iota if the media is in this room listening to me or not. This is about the fans and not the media. I could care less about the media and what they think. Are we clear? Okay then.

//fix tie

Oh and before I forget, for those of you in the media that would like the schedule 1-on-1 interviews after this presser, I am available for those anytime from today until the season starts. Now let me say what I came here to say.

//take sip of water

I stand before you today on this somber day which represents failure. I am not happy. My teams have made the playoffs 7 years in a row, not counting this one and the one prior.

//angry glare

My butt is burning and I feel like I have been kicked in the groin for two long years. I cannot stress enough how messed up below the belt I am right now.

//look of digust

Listen, I take this very professionally personal (what?) so I’m sorry if I’m not more cheerful about the news that broke today about Jonas Gustavsson going 8 days in a row without a heart attack.

//death stare into camera

I want to let you know right now that losing will not be tolerated and that we will make the playoffs next season.

//angry glare

I am now going to share with you my to-do-list for the off-season which will serve as a blueprint for our future success here in Toronto.

//take sip of water

  1. The word “truculence” shall be eliminated from our vocabulary until we bump our penalty killing success rate above 75%. If we get over that hump, mark my words,  heads will roll.
  2. All players on our roster who do not have a no-trade-clause will be sternly warned that if they do not perform above and beyond the call of duty they will be shipped off to Alberta. And, unlike last summer’s warning, I don’t mean Calgary this time around.
  3. The money we are saving by not having any junior scouts on the payroll will be used to hire professional technicians who will scan our dressing room for mold, lead, asbestos, and any other foreign chemical that may be present. With this we’re hoping to get an explanation as to why an individual’s hockey sense/skill becomes impeded when he puts on a Maple Leafs jersey. We will also hire a team of scientists to analyze Lee Stempniak’s discarded garbage outside his Phoenix home to see how it differs chemically from the garbage he left on the ice at the ACC during his time in Toronto.
  4. We will do our best to make trades that benefit our hockey team. Look, I have it on good authority that a team on the west coast, I do not want to get into specifics but let’s just say that they play in a city that starts with the letter “V”, is keen on trading away some very good players. Again, I do not want to mention names because that would be very unprofessional and that’s not how I do things. Let’s just say that a set of twins are going to be hitting the market this summer, and let’s leave it at that. Oh and a player who played for me on Team USA is also being shopped around by this team’s GM. Sorry guys, that’s all I can say for now. Sorry for being so vague but I take acting like a professional very seriously.
  5. We fully expect Nazem Kadri to make our team next season. Because of this we will be working hard all summer to acclimate Phil Kessel to the possibility that he may have a teammate who will be helping him put the puck in the opposing team’s net. This will be a slow processs as it will be in stark contrast to what he experienced this season.
  6. I am going to call up Darryl Sutter and ask about Jarome Iginla. I will let him know that I have more where that came from if he’s game.
  7. I am also going to make my annual  phone call to Kevin Lowe where this year I will laugh for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, call him a scoundrel,  and hang-up. I will then enjoy 26 seconds of bliss and savor the moment with a grinch-like smile. 27 seconds after hanging up I will return to normal.
  8. With Tomas Kaberle no longer having his no-trade-clause in his back pocket, I will be able to entertain offers for him for the first time during my tenure here in Toronto. I have never even gauged the interest around the league for him because I respect the NTC but I imagine there will be many strong offers presented to me by other GMs. He is an elite-level defenceman who put up 43 points in our first 56 games. I do not have his numbers after 56 games with me but I’m sure those are not important when we are talking about an elite-level defenceman like Tomas. This type of elite-level defenceman does not come up on the market often. When was the last time you saw an elite-level defenceman like Kaberle on the trading block? I have never seen it myself so that speaks volumes about what an elite-level defenceman Tomas Kaberele is.
  9. Dion Phaneuf will be asked to cut down the number of days he spends frolicking around on exotic beaches. With any luck we should be able to get him down to under 200 days per year, which will be vast improvement on the 345 days he spent lounging around in 2009. This will hopefully allow Dion enough time to attend practice and other team building functions.
  10. And last but not least, the first thing I plan to do after leaving here today is look through my dictionary to find a couple new words that will serve both as a motto for the 2010-11 Maple Leafs and a catch-phrase that I will build the team around.

//death stare into camera

I hope I have made myself clear as to what the future holds for this hockey team.

//take off suit

I want to stress that losing will not be tolerated. I do not enjoy kicks to the groin nor a burning sensation in my butt.

//roll up sleeves

We are the Toronto Maple Leafs.

//fix tie

Mark my words, we will make the playoffs next season.

//death stare into camera

If you enjoyed this post then please follow me on twitter. Twitter followers are like currency for the new generation which works out well for everyone involved except for those of us that need food and shelter in order to survive. Can’t eat a tweet, right?… or can you?… nope, no you can’t. Now if you will please excuse me while I, on a totally unrelated matter,  call my dentist.

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From The Desk Of Gary B. Bettman…

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

To: Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers
Cleveland, OH

Dearest Dan Gilbert,

I am writing this letter to offer you my fullest support in light of what has transpired the past week. If you are unfamiliar with me, I am commissioner of the National Hockey League. You may have heard about our organization before.

After reading your heartfelt letter addressing the fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I can tell that you are a man of principle; a man who values loyalty and doing what’s right above all else.

You and I share these things in common, Mr. Gilbert.

I for one have been fighting the fight of my life to save the Phoenix Coyotes from pulling a LeBron of their own. Evil men have been trying to lure the team away from its roots in Arizona. Some have even wanted to replant the franchise in Winnipeg.  I’m sure you’d agree that such a move would be an egregious act to lay on the loyal hockey fans in Phoenix.

I’m certain that as a fellow human being who values doing what’s right over money and common sense, you will jump at the opportunity to correct this injustice.

With this in mind, I am offering you an opportunity to purchase the Phoenix Coyotes. You, my good sir, can continue your crusade for justice in sports by taking the role of white knight in the Phoenix hockey community.

Here are a few selling points on why hockey is the sport for you:

  • Self-promotion is a vice that we have never suffered from. To demonstrate this, we are fully prepared to bar our players from further participation in the Olympic Winter Games.
  • You’ll never have to worry about any of our athletes appearing on ESPN. If they do choose to appear on a network, it’ll be Versus, and if they appear on Versus, do they REALLY appear? I think you and I both know the answer to that one.
  • As you’ll find out when you become an NHL owner, the use of wacky fonts in correspondence is very commonplace. BRIAN BURKE LOVES USING THE “IMPACT” FONT. Glen Sather always uses “Broadway BT”. And then there’s Darryl Sutter who just communicates by drawing stuff…
  • Do you hate it when one of your restricted free agents gets an offer sheet? You don’t have to worry about that in our game. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to Doug Wilson after I finish up here.
  • Jesse Jackson has never once voiced his displeasure with the NHL. Not because we have very few African-American athletes, but rather because our league just doesn’t provide enough of a public platform for him to bother us.
  • The only vocal person you should be concerned with in our game is Don Cherry. If you do get on his bad side, however, just make a joke about French-Canadians or Europeans and you’ll be fine.
  • You have given so much and deserve much more than the sport of basketball has given you, Mr. Gilbert. If you buy the Phoenix Coyotes and join our hockey family…

    I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE PHOENIX COYOTES WILL WIN THE STANLEY CUP

    You can take it to the bank. Just ask the hockey fans in Vancouver or Detroit, I have the power to make things happen.

    So how about it, Mr. Gilbert? Can I call you Danny, btw?

    Let’s put an end to narcissism and shameful actions in the sports world togehter.

    Signed,
    Gary B. Bettman
    Commissioner, National Hockey League

    P.S.  In your letter you wrote:

    Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

    Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

    This is news to me. Can you please clarify. Call me:  1-800-GARY-BETTS.

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And The Pity Fest Continues

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

nilan

I know I’m probably losing readers by harping on this subject but it’s astounding to me that I see new stuff about this every day.

Came across this article today: Time For NHL to Treat All Players Like People, Regardless of Role

Let’s dissect a few juicy tidbits.

Zenon Konopka, a fighter for the Ottawa Senators, had an interesting take on the pressures of life in the NHL, focusing on when the game ends for a player: “The whole retirement thing has to be looked at as well…The transition from playing to retirement is obviously a tough one, especially when you’re in your mid-30s, compared to most people who retire in their 60s or 70s.”

Yeah, lord knows that it’s a bitch to retire at 35 than in your 70s.

I’m literally laughing out loud while writing this because it’s insanity!

The retirement issue is significant, because many players retire because they feel done with hockey, while others retire because they’re unable to find a job with another team.

And other people get their asses fired or lose their business or quit because their boss is an asshole. Then they move on to another job or another career.

But here’s the kicker.

According to some stats I found online (which we all know is the best source for stats) the median household income in the USA in 2003 was $45,000.

$45,000.

Minimum NHL salary is $500,000 or there about.

Let’s say that because of the higher tax bracket/agent fees an NHL player making minimum has a take home salary somewhere around $250,000. And let’s just bump that Average Joe’s medium household income up to $50,000 and call it their take home pay to make things easier.

For every year an NHL scrub/enforcer/whatever making $500,000 plays in the league, he’s making five times the amount of an Average Joe.

According to this,  the average NHL career lasts 5.66 years.

5.66 years making the league minimum is equivalent to an Average Joe working for 28.3 years.

Poor professional athlete.

Has to retire young and then get a real world job. HOW CAN WE LET THEM LIVE LIKE THIS?

Back to the article in question:

The solution? Guaranteed jobs for enforcers might be nice, but it’s not very realistic. Instead, my hope is that GMs and coaches will look at the events of this summer and realize just how vulnerable players are. While one can’t expect GMs to hold onto players who can’t do what they’re needed to do, perhaps they can make more of an effort to retain players, even if there’s a slightly younger, slightly cheaper alternative in the pipeline. Instead of using players and discarding them when something better comes along, perhaps GMs can try and hold onto players who have served a team.

And perhaps even better, maybe they can work with those players, helping them to improve their skating and backchecking, giving them more of a skill-set than simply fighting.

I’m sorry but this comes off like some “Save The Children” informational except for F*UCKING GROWN MEN WHO EARN A CRAPLOAD OF MONEY FOR PLAYING A SPORT!

“For as little as $5.00 a day we can ensure that Jody Shelley can learn how to backcheck and not have to retire at 35 years of age. Look at his face, no man should suffer like this”

The insanity is that when Dan Ellis was talking about his problems everybody ridiculed him and made him come off silly. Now everybody (well many, anyway) are doing the same thing for enforcers.

It’s insanity, I tell ya!

MiscellaneousSave the Player Fund