Top Secret Document: Brian Burke’s Year-End State Of The Union Address To Maple Leafs Nation

Posted on May 21, 2015 By

With the regular season near its end, the NHL community is on pins and needles eagerly awaiting the start of the playoffs Brian Burke’s state of the union address to Leafs Nation.

This annual press conference has already surpassed Easter as the most anticipated April tradition in Toronto and we can only imagine it will become even grander in scale over the next decade.

Through some janitorial sources working deep inside the bowels of MLSE, we here at Blades of Funny have managed to get our hands on a rough first-draft of Burke’s speech.

Keep in mind that this is a very raw copy that has yet to be revised by a group lawyers sitting in front of Harold Ballard’s tomb. (Just saying that things may be changed around by the time Burkie takes the podium).

For the sake of everyone involved — we don’t want to see anyone lose their job over this — please keep this on the down low.

Dear Maple Leafs Nation,

Before I start I want it to be perfectly clear that what I am about to say is to the fans and not to the media. I do not care one iota if the media is in this room listening to me or not. This is about the fans and not the media. I could care less about the media and what they think. Are we clear? Okay then.

//fix tie

Oh and before I forget, for those of you in the media that would like the schedule 1-on-1 interviews after this presser, I am available for those anytime from today until the season starts. Now let me say what I came here to say.

//take sip of water

I stand before you today on this somber day which represents failure. I am not happy. My teams have made the playoffs 7 years in a row, not counting this one and the one prior.

//angry glare

My butt is burning and I feel like I have been kicked in the groin for two long years. I cannot stress enough how messed up below the belt I am right now.

//look of digust

Listen, I take this very professionally personal (what?) so I’m sorry if I’m not more cheerful about the news that broke today about Jonas Gustavsson going 8 days in a row without a heart attack.

//death stare into camera

I want to let you know right now that losing will not be tolerated and that we will make the playoffs next season.

//angry glare

I am now going to share with you my to-do-list for the off-season which will serve as a blueprint for our future success here in Toronto.

//take sip of water

  1. The word “truculence” shall be eliminated from our vocabulary until we bump our penalty killing success rate above 75%. If we get over that hump, mark my words,  heads will roll.
  2. All players on our roster who do not have a no-trade-clause will be sternly warned that if they do not perform above and beyond the call of duty they will be shipped off to Alberta. And, unlike last summer’s warning, I don’t mean Calgary this time around.
  3. The money we are saving by not having any junior scouts on the payroll will be used to hire professional technicians who will scan our dressing room for mold, lead, asbestos, and any other foreign chemical that may be present. With this we’re hoping to get an explanation as to why an individual’s hockey sense/skill becomes impeded when he puts on a Maple Leafs jersey. We will also hire a team of scientists to analyze Lee Stempniak’s discarded garbage outside his Phoenix home to see how it differs chemically from the garbage he left on the ice at the ACC during his time in Toronto.
  4. We will do our best to make trades that benefit our hockey team. Look, I have it on good authority that a team on the west coast, I do not want to get into specifics but let’s just say that they play in a city that starts with the letter “V”, is keen on trading away some very good players. Again, I do not want to mention names because that would be very unprofessional and that’s not how I do things. Let’s just say that a set of twins are going to be hitting the market this summer, and let’s leave it at that. Oh and a player who played for me on Team USA is also being shopped around by this team’s GM. Sorry guys, that’s all I can say for now. Sorry for being so vague but I take acting like a professional very seriously.
  5. We fully expect Nazem Kadri to make our team next season. Because of this we will be working hard all summer to acclimate Phil Kessel to the possibility that he may have a teammate who will be helping him put the puck in the opposing team’s net. This will be a slow processs as it will be in stark contrast to what he experienced this season.
  6. I am going to call up Darryl Sutter and ask about Jarome Iginla. I will let him know that I have more where that came from if he’s game.
  7. I am also going to make my annual  phone call to Kevin Lowe where this year I will laugh for 4 minutes and 25 seconds, call him a scoundrel,  and hang-up. I will then enjoy 26 seconds of bliss and savor the moment with a grinch-like smile. 27 seconds after hanging up I will return to normal.
  8. With Tomas Kaberle no longer having his no-trade-clause in his back pocket, I will be able to entertain offers for him for the first time during my tenure here in Toronto. I have never even gauged the interest around the league for him because I respect the NTC but I imagine there will be many strong offers presented to me by other GMs. He is an elite-level defenceman who put up 43 points in our first 56 games. I do not have his numbers after 56 games with me but I’m sure those are not important when we are talking about an elite-level defenceman like Tomas. This type of elite-level defenceman does not come up on the market often. When was the last time you saw an elite-level defenceman like Kaberle on the trading block? I have never seen it myself so that speaks volumes about what an elite-level defenceman Tomas Kaberele is.
  9. Dion Phaneuf will be asked to cut down the number of days he spends frolicking around on exotic beaches. With any luck we should be able to get him down to under 200 days per year, which will be vast improvement on the 345 days he spent lounging around in 2009. This will hopefully allow Dion enough time to attend practice and other team building functions.
  10. And last but not least, the first thing I plan to do after leaving here today is look through my dictionary to find a couple new words that will serve both as a motto for the 2010-11 Maple Leafs and a catch-phrase that I will build the team around.

//death stare into camera

I hope I have made myself clear as to what the future holds for this hockey team.

//take off suit

I want to stress that losing will not be tolerated. I do not enjoy kicks to the groin nor a burning sensation in my butt.

//roll up sleeves

We are the Toronto Maple Leafs.

//fix tie

Mark my words, we will make the playoffs next season.

//death stare into camera

If you enjoyed this post then please follow me on twitter. Twitter followers are like currency for the new generation which works out well for everyone involved except for those of us that need food and shelter in order to survive. Can’t eat a tweet, right?… or can you?… nope, no you can’t. Now if you will please excuse me while I, on a totally unrelated matter,  call my dentist.

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